Darkness Cannot Hide You | For The One Wrestling with Depression

Trigger Warning: This episode contains honest conversations about depression, spiritual oppression, and suicidal ideations. If you are currently struggling, please listen with care. Help is available. You can call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.

When the Lord Rebukes

"Why haven't you healed me?" These were the words I repeatedly asked God, over and over, in the midst of the deepest internal battle I had ever faced. Over the first two weeks of February, I felt as though God was silent and distant from me. However, I was the one who had retreated from Him, choosing instead to submit to the lies of the enemy.

In this blog post, I want to share a story that I wrestled with God on sharing because of the vulnerability of it. But God asks for us to be obedient and my hope is that through my weaknesses, struggles, and the heavy parts of my story, your heart would be encouraged and that God's name would be lifted high. It is my prayer that through my own deepest struggle, you will see God at work.

Before we go any further I want to let you know that we will be talking about suicidal ideations and depression. I pray that if you continue to read on the Spirit of God would touch you.

I also want to clarify that God can heal us immediately in an encounter with Him from suicide and depression, and He has also given knowledge to doctors as well as medication as a means of grace in healing. But ultimately God is the great healer! My story speaks to how God works even in our darkest times if we allow Him to.

Where is your reliance?

Around the first week of February, I received unsettling news: I could lose my health insurance. Alongside this news, I began experiencing worsening physical symptoms—my legs weren’t working properly, I had an increase in issues with my heart rate, and I was struggling in therapies with TBI. I was overwhelmed with the thoughts of not being able to recieve medical care if i were to loose the insurance.

After sharing my fears with God, I was convinced that He would protect me from this loss. Surely, God wouldn't allow me to lose my insurance on top of everything else. But, on a Sunday morning in mid-February, I opened a letter that confirmed my worst fear: I had lost my insurance.

I can’t fully describe the feelings I experienced that day. In the weeks leading up to it, I had been angry at God, even though I hadn’t fully acknowledged it. So, when I received the letter, my depression and suicidal thoughts that I had been struggling with came crashing in full force.

I was sitting on my bed, crying, when my parents came in. They tried to reassure me, telling me things would be okay if we took it one day at a time. My Dad headed out of the room and my mom stayed. I will never forget this moment. With tears in my Moms eyes, she asked me to trust God, I responded in a way that still breaks my heart. I responded, “Mom, God has forsaken me. What if everything I believed about Him was a lie?”

Wow.

This is so vulnerable for me to write, but it speaks to how broken I was in this moment. I felt as if everything was being stripped from me. My health, the future I believed God was calling me too, and now the insurance that was providing a way for me to get help.

Remember, leading up to this day I hadn't been spending time in the presence of the Lord. The enemy saw me as vulnerable and I stepped out of the covering of God’s protection. Fighting in my own strength and not Gods.

I was tired of fighting off the lies in my own strength and on this day I became consumed by them.

And it was there, in that moment that this secret battle of depression and suicidal ideations started becoming less secret. That day it felt as if the enemy was fighting with me over my life.

Is there even hope?

As I was left alone in my room that day I found myself praying in my journal, torn between not wanting to end my life but feeling as though I could no longer continue.

As I was wrestling with this in prayer, I was stopped by this peace that gripped me. But this peace was deceptive. I believed the Lord was telling me it would be okay to come home. That I could be with him. I remember feeling so much relief. My suffering would finally end. Time felt like it had slowed. It is so twisted but I thanked God for this and closed my journal, believing that this peace was from him.

But then, I heard the Spirit of God speak to me. It felt as if his breath was a gentle whisper against my ear… “My peace doesn’t steal lives.”

“My peace doesn't steal lives”

In an instant, the delusion shattered.

I was horrified with myself. I immediately called my brother, who came and prayed over me. I didn’t hear his words, but I felt the depth of his prayer.

While my brother was praying over me I asked God, “Why did losing my insurance trigger such a deep reaction?” And this is what God spoke to my spirit: "Rachel, you trust more in your medical team for healing than you do in Me."

My response to God shocked me. In my anger, I practically screamed in my mind, “Of course I trust more in my medical team—they are actually trying to heal me when You aren’t.”

God’s response shook me to my core and it felt like his voice reverberated in my head. “I am the one who gave your doctors the ideas. I am the one who placed your medical team in your path. I am the one who gave them the knowledge to help you.”

The things hidden in my heart were revealed to me that day.

A Brute Beast

In the days following that Sunday, God had shown a light on the things in my heart and it was hard to even see that in me. But it was also in these days that God ministered to my heart.

I had been running from Him for weeks, allowing bitterness and resentment to take root. But God, in His kindness, rebuked me as a Father, showing me the lies I had believed. I don’t know where I would be today if He hadn’t intervened.

I believe it was the day after this event took place that my brother sent me a verse from Psalm 73 and that prompted me to read the whole chapter. In it, the author says in verses 21-22,

“When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute Beast before you.”

A brute beast before the Lord. It may sound strange, but I felt like this was a mirror to my own actions on that Sunday, but the psalm didn’t end there. It continues with this truth:

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever”

(Psalm 73:26).

Later, God led me to Psalm 42, where David speaks of the deep despair he faces, feeling taunted by his enemies. As I was reading about David talking about his physical enemies I saw my spiritual enemy.

Psalms 42:9-10 says,

“I say to God my Rock, ‘Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?’ My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long, ‘Where is your God?’"

The enemy had been taunting me day and night, asking, “Where is your God?” and It had become easier to submit to what the enemy was speaking than to fight them. And the reason being, I was fighting in my own strength, not the strength of the Lord. My soul was weary and downcast and I didn't reach out for help.

If you’re finding yourself in a similar place as I was know there is freedom and I know that may be incredibly hard to believe. You may have even begged God for freedom and yet freedom and healing hasn't come. I’m going to share with you how God began to show me the way out.

How I Made It Through: Psalm 43

When I finished reading Psalm 42 I continued reading Psalms 43. And this is where David prays for God to vindicate him, to be his stronghold, and to send His light.

I began praying Psalms 43.

Vindicate me, my God,  and plead my cause against an unfaithful nation. Rescue me from those who are deceitful and wicked. You are God my stronghold.  Why have you rejected me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy? Send me your light and your faithful care, let them lead me; let them bring me to your holy mountain,  to the place where you dwell. Then I will go to the altar of God, to God, my joy and my delight.I will praise you with the lyre, O God, my God. Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

I asked God to Vindicate me. To be my stronghold. For God to send me his light. For his faithful care to lead me. My prayer was that God would protect my heart and mind. That he would remind me of all he has done. In this God gave me his strength.

Don’t hold back with God. The things in our hearts need to be revealed so that we can receive healing and comfort. So speak honestly with him.

I have heard of beautiful testimonies of how when someone has had an encounter with God their depression and suicadal ideations were immediately healed. Praise The Lord!!!

But for me that's not my testimony. My testimony is how God’s grace is sufficient in the midst of living in a fallen world. I didn't receive immediate healing. It took seeking the Lord for his strength over mine, prayer and surrender, counseling and speaking with close friends. And for months I still struggled. It would go away and then come back.

But I can praise the Lord and say that it is something I haven't struggled with for a long time now.

Growth in the Valley

If God hadn’t spoken his truth in that gentle whisper and then rebuked me that day, who knows where I would have ended up. God’s discipline, though painful, was a gift.

As Hebrews 12:5-6 says,

"The Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son."

God’s correction came with grace, not condemnation. He lovingly led me to repentance and began the healing of my heart.

If you find yourself in a similar place, struggling with the lies of the enemy, remember that God sees you, and He is with you. You are not alone. He is in pursuit of you, pursue him back.

As we end, let me leave you with Hebrews 4:15-16:

"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."

We can boldly approach God's throne of grace with confidence. Grace is God giving us something that we do not deserve and God’s mercy is him withholding something that we do deserve. When we approach God's throne we find both Grace and his mercy!

So let us approach God's throne of GRACE with CONFIDENCE. Because we know that he can sympathize and understand everything we have been through. He will help you in your time of need.

If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, please reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or professional. You are not alone.

Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)

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Remember you are so loved, valued, and cherished.